twentyone
It’s been a week and a half of a new age; a week and a half spent wondering how I’m supposed to sum up a year where nearly every aspect of my life has shifted. Honestly, I did not want to make this post this year. I found it annoying, random, and too vulnerable, but I happened to read my posts from previous birthdays and here I am (mostly because my perfectionist, ocd self would die if there’s a year I missed, unpack that as you will).
Perhaps its the result of these annual birthday posts but I find that I’m particularly introspective around my birthday, needing and wanting to sum up a year in one journal entry. But this year would require 20 journal entries because it was packed. Full. Instead, I chose to do something a little different as I was having difficulty knowing where to even begin. I asked people around me what their favorite interaction was with me and why. A funny question with possible roots in narcissism for sure. Here is a quick summation of the responses I received:
warm presence
easy to be around
Shoulder to cry on, ear to listen
Laughing
Radiating happiness…most recently
Encouragement
Truly I wanted to know the force I was having on others. I knew my own life was a roller coaster this past year and I was curious as to how that affected those I know and love. I was expecting responses that were all over the place, good and bad and confusing and odd. But instead I got responses that described someone I want to be best friends with. if there’s one thing I learned during 20 it’s that we get so caught up in ourselves: self-improvement, self-criticism, etc. that we forget to see how freaking cool we actually are; how everyday we are affecting those around us and it is up to us whether we make that interaction positive or negative.
20 was a year of completely rebuilding my mental state to cultivate grace and self-compassion, and I can only hope that this was portrayed in my relationships with those whom I love. and while I cannot say I am done, I can say that I have never felt more in love with myself and the role I play in this world.
I recently learned this in my psychology of perception class: “we don’t just passively perceive the world, we actively generate it” In other words, your perception of the world is truly only as good as your mindset. Choose your thoughts wisely.
This post was equally me imagining I was writing a memoir as it was picturing a professor preaching to her class (some potential foreshadowing?) but here it is, reflection for year #20
So here’s to 21; a year that I feel deeply is my year of self-compassion, & absolute love for myself to just be.
xoxo
